Wishes...

For those of you that really know me, I am a huge music buff. Not so much in the past few months (since the death of culture attacked me here in Utah), but I enjoy listening to new things and experiencing everything there is to offer. Yes, sadly I am listening to a little bit more to the country genre, and yet another thing that I have to thank wonderful Utah for…

When I was driving home from work last night I herd this new song come on the radio by a group called ‘Point of Grace’. As I was listening to the lyrics, it made me think about a lot that has been going on in my life right now. Up to about a month ago or so I felt like I was on top of the world… I felt like for the first time in a long time that I was happy and things where going great for me. Then it was a tornado effect as to everything being ripped and torn apart. Yes I am guilty of keeping things bottled up inside. It was how I was taught. There is no difference. I think that is one of the reasons as to why I was sent here to Utah, to be able to depend on my family more and being able to turn to them in times of trials and struggles. But how can I do that when I feel as though I have a huge weight on my shoulder?

Here are the lyrics to the song:

I wish I didn’t feel so helplessI wish I didn’t act so selfishI wish I didn’t wring my hands night and dayMy hair was a little bit smootherMy jeans fit a little bit looserAnd I always knew the right things to sayAnd I wish I wouldn’t hide what’s been going on insideAnd I wish you wouldn’t get scared and run away

Chorus: I wish I was doing betterWith all the things that matter,I guess I got some learning to doI wish everyone had someoneTo hold em and to love emThe way I’m always gonna love youI wish wishes came true

I wish there was a cure for cancerI wish somebody had an answerAnd all God’s children, never got hurtI wish Eve never bit that appleYou men never went to battleAnd I didn’t get so mad at the worldI wish I was more like JesusAnd could pick up all the piecesAnd make a better life for my baby girl

Chorus: I wish I was doing betterWith all the things that matter,I guess I got some learning to doI wish everyone had someoneTo hold em and to love emThe way I’m always gonna love youI wish wishes came true For everything I am wishingI know someone up there is listening So, I say my prayers when I go to bedAhh, ahh, ahhOh pray my wishes come trueOh

Chorus: I wish I was doing betterWith all the things that matter,I guess I got some learning to doI wish everyone had someoneTo hold em and to love emThe way I’m always gonna love youI wish wishes came true I know wishes come trueI wish, I wish

There are so many things that I too wish for. So many things that I want in life. Yet, one of the three things that I want most right now, I feel as though I cannot attempt to reach out for it, if by same fate I do then I will loose a part of my family. Sure this person has not been the most supportive figure in my life, but I would think that one could only dream that they would be, to be loved unconditionally and not care how “crazy” ones decision may be. I feel as though I could maybe work on being happy if that is the case, but the fear is what’s keeping me back.

Besides from that if I could have anything in the world I wish I knew how the outcome of my brother would be. He is getting ready for his second deployment to Iraq; I can’t help but shake this horrible feeling inside that it’s not going to be alright. I treasured the time I spent with him in January, and the wonderful conversations that we have shared. I thought that it would make it easier having a relationship with him, but I think it only makes things worse. Just to be able to see him one more time, to be able to hug him and tell him how much I care. That no matter what happens in life I will be there for him. But I worry and I stress, and I this is the one thing that I have to keep from my family. Seeing my parents with the last tour was hard enough. To have to be the strong one and say that it is alright and everything is okay. I don’t want to have to put that fake smile on again. I am done with feeling like I have to please everyone. I don’t think I will be able to drop everything like I did last summer to drive almost 5 hours to just be with my Mom, no matter how much I hope and wish that I could.

I wish I could find what will make me happy inside again, without hurting those around me. I am nothing like the person who I used to be from high school or my lifestyle in Vegas. I’m done with living my life for others, and trying to pretend that everything is alright. I would love to say that no one is worth my tears, but can you really say that if most of it is from your family? I need to live in the moment and worry about myself, and not always wonder if I am stepping on anyone else’s toes. I guess time will only tell what will happen, and how things will pan out…